I am not enough.
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This is the all-too-familiar voice of shame.
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In response, we tell ourselves If only I:
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โ slept less
โ got that fancy time management app
โ did more
โ worked faster
โ was better at [fill in the blank]
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I'd be enough.
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Then, we hold ourselves to unattainable expectations (hello, perfectionism! ๐) and end up back where we started, feeling like we're not enough.
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It looks something like this:
If this is a familiar pattern for you, it's not your fault. You are responding normally to the system you live in.
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We live in a culture that relies on women to hold everything together (social safety net). Shame and perfectionism arenโt personal flawsโtheyโre tools that disconnect us from our intuition, our communities, and the earth, keeping us stuck in the hustle for worth we already have.
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But when you can see through the lie, you can begin to gently reclaim your worth and break free from this harmful conditioning.
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One thought at a time, you'll arrive at a place where you are "driving the bus" in your mind, while shame and perfectionism are sitting in the back, barely making noise.
Saying no to shame
Give yourself heaps of compassion and patience as you do this work.
Awareness
Making note of a thought or choice that you will approach differently next time is a big win.
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Understanding that you live in a system that uses shame and perfectionism as tools allows you to see them as separate from you
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Pat yourself on the back for every big and small shift. ๐
Be curious about any thoughts that make you question your worth
โShame is just a thought, a belief. Itโs a judgment that youโve made about yourself, and when you question it, it dissolves.โ
โ Byron Katie, Loving What Is (2002)
I highly recommend Byron Katie's tool, The Work, to work with shame. It consists of four simple questions that yield powerful results.
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- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it's true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
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There are loads of videos on YouTube offering guidance about how to engage with this tool.
Have fun with it
Is there a thought pattern that is showing up regularly and pestering you?
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Maybe it's about what you're making (or not making) for dinner.
Maybe it's about your body.
Maybe it's about money.
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When it shows up, give it a name.
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Pick anything. Have fun with it! It could be Aunt Agnes or "that broken record."
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Say, "[insert name], I see you're here again. Thank you for all you did to help me fit in and protect me. I don't need you anymore, I'm driving the bus today."
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Again, you're separating these thoughts from you are. When they cease to be part of you, they lose their power.
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Rejecting perfectionism
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Faster. more. more. more. bigger. better. fancier. cleaner. thinner.
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The list is endless. ๐คฎ
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Perfectionism tells us the lie that validation, satisfaction, and peace are just around the corner only if we try harder, work longer, or hold ourselves to higher standards.
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When your body sends you a signal that an expectation you're setting for yourself is unrealistic - exhaustion, overwhelm, anxiety, etc.
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Ask yourself, "Who is this benefiting?" If the answer does not align with your values and bandwidth, say no, let it go, or set a more realistic expectation.
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You might realize that many of the expectations you place on yourself are shaped by outside influencesโlike family, media, or societyโand that, deep down, you don't truly care about most of them. Freedom! ๐
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I am on this journey with you, as are many of my clients. We are in this together.
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You are enough, and you've always been enough.
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Thank you for journeying with me.
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I wish you all the best always,
Sandi
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P.S. If youโre ready to shed this BS and create a life that feels like you, schedule a connection call today.
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